Monday Morning

So I'm packing to go home, and my mother tells me that the old woman didn't intend for me to take her records with me.

And then I'm simultaneously in junior high school and an adult, so that when I oversleep, I've missed an important test and a day at the beach with George, and who knew the basement of the house on Winstead could contain a whole ocean?

The second time I oversleep, I wake to discover that the beach is crowded and my ex-in-laws insist that they have to be the ones to drive me back to New York. They don't like me much; they have me sit where the seatbelt is broken and then drive like maniacs. But I have the last laugh: when they stop at the candy store, I manage to buckle up.

Then my ex-husband takes the wheel from his father, and he runs a woman on a skateboard off the road. She was trying to get to a rendevous point to meet her boyfriend, and if she's late he won't wait. I'm not sure if they offer her a ride or not. I don't think they do.

When I finally get home, I read the end of my dream in a book and I don't understand it at all.

On The Lam

So I get kidnapped by these people who are on the lam and whose plan for avoiding the law involves the following:

1) Kidnap me and take my car and my plastic gun;
2) Drive a purple truck into a swimming pool;
3) Broadside an orange van while riding a horse.

And wouldn't you know--it worked.

Bubba

So I'm in a bar, and Bill Clinton is sitting next to me, head in hands.

"What's the problem?" asks the bartender.

"I'm thinking of running for President again," Bill tells him.

Bill's floozy mistress is pressuring him to run, but the nice mistress is against it.

Ice Cream, Anyone?

So I was supposed to be attending a union meeting that was projected to last for two days. I lost my purse on the way in, but someone sent me a message--written in the steam on the windows--that one of my colleagues had it. So I left the meeting and went to visit some friends from high school. Spaghetti was served.

And then . . .

I was carrying my psyche around in a jar, and it was an ice cream sundae. Friends and family were welcome to add to it. My mother poured on pineapple sauce.

And then . . .

I decided to compile a complete history of the land on which my parents built my childhood home. Cool maps were involved.

And then . . .

I fed my pet cardinal.